The night is clear and the air is crisp, snow falls gently on the ground. Tonight is Christmas Eve. Off in the distance I hear the voice of approaching carolers. They are too far away to hear the song they sing. I quickly close the door shutting out the sights and sounds of Christmas. Tonight is just too painful as I think of "Christmas Without Them".

Is Christmas ever the same when we are without our loved ones? The traditions I have cherished since childhood have changed into something new and unexpected. As an adult, I find myself with feelings of a five year old, scared and alone. I have no mother or father to comfort me. Tears flow and I feel my heart breaking. Sometimes, I find myself standing in the midst of strangers with tears running down my cheeks. Why is it so difficult to purchase candy canes and beautiful red bows?

I catch the glimpse of the shoppers as they try not to stare. While others, forgetting they are strangers, stop to offer a knowing smile of understanding. I begin to realize I am not alone with these types of feelings. All of a sudden the memories come flooding in.

How fortunate I am to have such wonderful memories of my wonderful parents and the times we shared. Just as quickly as the memories brought tears the same memories resurfaced to spread joy. Memories have a way of making the emptiness bearable. I remember. I smile.

My thoughts are once again returned to the children. Their sounds of singing grow closer. I open my door to find their half- frozen faces, smiling brightly at me.

Christmas without them may never be the same, but, from out of the darkness pleasant memories flood my heart. I can almost hear my parents voices telling me the story of this most holy night. Like a message from above, I listen as the children sing, "Sleep in heavenly peace".

--- Copyright © 1999 Corky Ferguson --- Ohio