Although we sometimes feel that we don't have it in us, we actually do. We just have to dig it up. God gave us this love to discover and experience. It is undying love.
--- Copyright © 2004 Angelo Duran
I am now in a relationship with this girl. I am very much in love with her. She is like no other person I have met. She is the loveliest thing in the world. She never fails to make me smile and make my heart flutter. Oh, how I always stare at her and smile. She sometimes gets conscious of what I'm doing and she does the 'covering my face with her hand' thing and she says, "Quit staring!" Oh, how I laugh when she does that. I love her so much.
One day, I decided to tell her something. Something that people don't really talk about. It was a sin that I do all over again. I was so tired of sinning that I really wanted to get rid of it. I wanted to be a better man. I wanted to be this better man for her and for God. She was my best friend and I wanted to tell her everything. Also, I read in a promising book that in order to conquer temptations, one of the keys in conquering this kind of stuff is to have someone to help you, someone who will listen, accept and pray for you. I believed deep inside that she'd understand, that she'd still accept me for who I am. Man, was I scared that time. I was scared of losing her. But I had to tell her. I believed that there was unconditional love within her.
I am someone who talks to God everyday. I asked Him if I'd tell her or not. Eventually he gave me signs that I should tell her. At first, I told her that I had something important to open up with her, that I needed her help. I told her that she might get disappointed or disgusted with what I was about to share. She wanted to find out right away, but I told her that a little bit later was the time. She felt a little scared, scared of what she would feel and how she would react.
The time had come, but unfortunately she was in a strange mood. She was not sure if she was ready to hear what I had to say and that made me feel discouraged. I thought to myself, "Maybe she doesn't truly love me…maybe there is no such thing as 'unconditional love.' I told her that I decided not to tell her anymore. It was time for her Psychology class and she had to go. I had to go home because four big tests the next day were about to happen. I felt so bad at the moment. I could not look straight at her. I was trembling with confusion. Our goodbyes felt very bad. I said to God, "Very bad idea… very bad idea." My eyes were slowly filling with tears.
On my way home, I sent her a message through my mobile phone. In my message, I typed, "Maybe God is wrong sometimes. Take Care.." I cried while sending the message. My tears blurred the message. I knew that deep inside I did not mean this. How cruel of me to say such a thing. God has given me more than I ever wanted and this is how I talk about Him? I was a fool. I put my phone in silent mode so I won't be able to see her message but I could not bear it. I had to see if she replied. There was a message and it was from her. The message read, "GOD IS NEVER WRONG! TAKE CARE!" I felt so bad after reading it. I felt like the worst fool on earth.
When I reached home, I was in a state of madness. I did not know what to do. I hated myself for saying such a thing. I wanted to tell her that what I said was not what I truly felt. I had no balance left in my phone and my folks were not home. I could not send her a message through my phone. I was desperate but then, my folks just arrived in time. But still, I felt that it was not enough. I felt that I should see her face to face and prove to her that she was right.
Suddenly, without thinking, a miracle happened. Deep inside my head, my heart, my soul I heard God and I said "I'm going back…I'm going back!" Suddenly, I felt new strength growing in me. Strength that would bring me back to her. I asked P20 from my mother for the fare I needed. It was the best P20 I ever received from her. I did not think twice. I did not change clothes. I grabbed my 'easy to wear' sandals and went off like a rocket. I almost forgot my I.D. and ran back home to get it. I was lucky that I remembered it before I got a tricycle.
Going to school, the ride was a scary one. The tricycle was a traveling at a speed that made you think if you'd be able to go through all of it…alive.. I was praying hard that nothing would happen to me and that she was still in school. (I had a funny feeling that their Psychology class ended soon and she went home already)
I said to myself that I would not allow myself to get hurt or die without telling her that she means so much to me and that she was right about God. I was fully determined. I arrived in school, rushing towards their designated room. As I was running by, someone called me, "Marc!" "Oh!", I said and I realized that she was a classmate of hers and I knew that big chances were that she left for home already.
I asked her where she was and she said that she left just a few minutes ago, but she was not sure which direction she went but I knew for sure that it was home that she went to. I saw other friends around and I asked them about her. They didn't see her. Outside school, just at the other side of the road, I saw her back. I prayed and hoped that it was her.
As I walked nearer, I was really praying harder. It was the same built, same hair but not the same bag. It was not her. I decided to go to where she lived. I would stop at nothing to get to her. If she were still not home yet I said to myself that I would wait outside no matter what time it would be. I would wait for her. It felt like a life and death situation. I knew that God was with me. I knew that what she said was really true and I believed that after talking to her and revealing the part of me that was wrong...she would accept me.. she would still love me. My faith at that time was so strong.
The ride again, was scary as the previous one. I prayed harder and thankfully I reached her home. With no fear, I walked into their compound. Her aunt was outside and she asked me who I was looking for. Her aunt called her and said that she had visitor - brave and humble me.
Her relatives let me in her house. She was now in her house clothes. Man, how happy I felt and how beautiful she was. She was in a good mood, a mood that was not a hostile one. She was surprised to see me. I was so excited to see her and talk to her.
She said, "Oh, what is it?"
I started talking. "I guess your teacher dismissed you early… I did not know what to do. I felt so bad. I had to do something. What I said, I did not mean it. You know that. I was at the peak of my emotions and without thinking, I just put it down. I cried when I sent that message to you. I knew that it was not true. I was a fool. When you replied, I felt at a loss. How stupid and foolish of me to say such a thing. When I reached home, I felt like I was going to die this night. It's a bit exaggerating but it felt that way. I did not go crazy though. But you know, a miracle happened. Without warning, with no reason, it just popped out of nowhere and I said to myself…I am going back!.. I knew that this was the road God showed me - the road back to you.. I had to get two things back. I had to get my faith back …and my girl…"
As our conversation went on, I eventually opened up to her and told her about the thing that I was supposed to share. I told her that I love her so much and when there are bad things that I do, I don't include her in those things. Anyway, I still was curious about her reaction.
She said, "Oh, okay." There was no disgust or discouragement in her face. Slowly my heart was beginning to smile. She said to me that whoever I was, nothing would change. She said that whoever I was, she would still love me with open arms and an open heart.
I was touched by what she said. I felt that I was loved so much. I could see it in her face. How lucky I was to have her. God really is never wrong. I'll never forget that day. I'll never forget the miracle, the unconditional love.
Right now, I am thinking about her. She is now sleeping soundly, maybe dreaming of life's wonders. We still are together and I am still continuing on my journey in becoming a better man. Slowly, I can see that I'm becoming a better person. I love her so much and I will always cherish her with everything I am.
"Treasure each moment, even the small ones, for in the small ones, great courage and big faith may be required. Treat these small moments like big ones and you'll discover that a small fragment of life means so much. You can't live life just hoping and praying. God gave us hands, feet, speech to do His will, to make his presence very much alive in this world. Fight for what you believe in, fight for love. Have the courage. Take the chance. Trust in God for He is never wrong."